In the Washington D.C. / Arlington area you can find yourself in a fight quicker than you can find a parking spot in Ballston or a reason not to hang yourself with your shoe laces after 3 minutes on a hot car, courtesy of the god forsaken metro. I attribute this Lord of the Flies mentality to the over abundance of money, the frequent watching of action films, that damn rap music, and the seemingly constantly drug and alcohol infused populace. That being said, if you are a tourist and you are coming to visit there is one very important thing you should know – give up hope… you’re already dead.
You got a better shot of making it through eye surgery with Gary Busey as your doctor
I know what many of you are probably thinking – “WHY!? I am a lover not a fighter” or some other similar piece of tripe you read in a book or saw on cable television. Well here is a news flash, in the cold, hard, barren, bosom of the real world there is something called Yin and Yang – the art of the opposite, the divine and inarguable truth that for every person and attitude in the world there exists an equal and opposite belief system in another person – and unfortunately for you being a “pansy” puts you squarely at the bottom of the food chain. By day the area is largely filled with bustling shops, young urban professionals, chirping birds, and smiling faces. As soon as the sun sets and happy hour ends, and scores of hammered retards poor into the streets – you would be better off taking a stroll down baka-laka-daka street in the middle of Mogadishu.
The bouncer at WHITLOWS.
It must be something in the water because this area has the ungodly ability to take the most mild-mannered soul and warp them into a jay walking, glass breaking, ass grabbing, tip stiffing, bag of excrement. For instance, a seemingly normal, well-adjusted young man who 12 hours and 12 beers before had hopes of going out with good friends and having a few drinks, maybe meeting a nice young lady to take home has literally transformed into a psychopathic battle ready terminator with only one objective – to give you a reason to wear an eye patch… for the rest of your life.
You just spilled my fucking COSMOPOLITAN!!!
The transformation normally occurs right around the 1:15am – 1:30am time slot, when the remaining bar patrons slowly begin to realize that their future ex-wife was not among the patrons that night, and that even though they thought every single joke they made over the course of the evening would have made even the most stalwart critic applaud,they were in fact as well received as any act a white guy may have attempted during the 90’s on the set of “Show Time at the Apollo” and their outfit looks like they got dressed in a dark room full of thrift store clothes and old prop costumes from the wizard of oz… and someone has got to pay.
WHAT!? This is Armani...
The smallest perceived transgression can ignite this powder-keg of low self-esteem like flare gun in a napalm factory. For instance, one night a few friends and I were out at Car Pool having a couple of drinks as the clock slowly ticked ever closer to the doomsday hour of last call and as I sipped (guzzled) my Jack and Coke I was casually talking to a friend of mine who just happened to be a good-looking female. Unbeknownst to me, by acknowledging just how crappy the last round of lemon drops had been I had unwittingly thrown my hat into the ring on the set of “Bloodsport”. As soon as I turned around, I was confronted by two meat headed roid jockeys who until I opened my mouth and deflated their balloon of unreal expectations had actually thought that by dressing in Affliction graphic tees and looking like they were prepared to eat broken glass would be able to take home a hot blonde at a bar packed with other dudes. I’ll be honest, normally this would have been just the type of interaction I would invite after a night of drinking Jack Daniel’s but things are a little different when you are not ready for it – literally it was like a modern-day bar version of Pearl Harbor – I was in the fight before I had time to realize that by not seducing two girls and passing them off to Buzzsaw and T-Bone I had some how offended them. Luckily, a mutual friend was able to intercept the gruesome twosome before we all ended up in jail – courtesy of the Arlington County Police.
Photo: Arlington County Police Squad Room - June 2011
So leave the flip-flops at home, always wear a belt, tell your mom you love her, and get into the fray. Cause let’s face it – you miss out on 100% of the shots you don’t take and you are going to need as many shots as possible if you have any hope of surviving the beat down that is waiting for you in the county of broken dreams and by some miracle if you do not end up in jail, the hospital, or in a brutal grudge match over scuffing some 21 yr old kids puma at Mister Days you might just live to do it all over again next weekend. So get buck naked.
Bring the TRUTH 