Hardin’s tragedy of the commons describes a situation where by multiple rational individuals sharing a common resource will make a calculated decision to act in their own self interest and deplete said resource even though it is not in the best interest of the group at large. Layman’s terms? It is in people’s nature to seriously fuck your shit up and the more educated they are, the more likely they will do this – and be successful. That being said, the DC / Arlington area has one of the highest if not the highest number of college educated citizens per capita in the world. As a result? A large and varied number of tools, assholes, and douche bags. Welcome to hell.
I have a doctorate in GO FUCK YOURSELF.
My position? If you cannot beat them – join them. You will never be able to out maneuver all the jerk offs in this area it is just a statistical impossibility – their numbers are too strong. You just have to dedicate yourself to embracing your god given nature. Become that jerk. Like the other day, I got off the metro which of course felt like riding a blazing hot, grease covered iron skillet for 45 minutes with 20 random dudes who had spent all day playing frisbee golf or something and decided to treat everyone to a sample of their mid-day 107 degree heat man musk – but I digress – I finally get off the train and had to add money to my damn smart card cause the cost of the ride is just short of a pound of flesh and I notice an older woman in front of me struggling with the fare card / undeserved money intake machine. For whatever reason, I thought it might be a good idea to help out after watching her for about 5 minutes and thinking to myself if this woman does not get out of her soon this sauna is going to mummify her and I’ll never get the fuck outta here. Something must be done. So in my most polite tone, I said, “Excuse me ma’am I think you need to press this button before you start putting your money into the machine”. Judging by the look on this woman’s face you’d have thought that I had just opened the front of a tan colored rain coat and flashed her because when had seconds ago been a charming “make cookies” for you grandma type turned in to a snarling, beat you with a damn pad lock on a chain street goon.
Help me? I am going to rip your arm off and beat you to death with it...
She whirls around and says, “If I wanted your fucking help – I’d ask for it! I don’t take help from cops anyway!”. First of all, do not call me a cop – I went to college. Second of all, I will bust your ass B. Arthur you better get a move on before you turn to dust. Of course, I said neither of these because I was still caught up being a “Good Guy”. What was learned from this interaction? That helping people sucks. Correction, helping people sucks BIG TIME. Not only did I waste a portion of my already short life (I’m not gonna make it) watching the crypt keeper use her claws to fuck up a seemingly idiot proof machine in the middle of a metro station that at the time was hotter than the surface of the sun – I got clowned for my trouble in front of all the other metro miscreants who had made the wise choice and rather than help her – told her to go fuck herself with their thoughts.
DIE IN A FIRE.
It is alright though – because a lesson was learned. Next time, hip check the person in trouble a la the Bruins’ Horton and calmly step over their unconscious body to get to whatever it happened to be that I needed at that exact moment whether it be an ice cold bud light at a nightclub, my metro fare card at the Purgatory West metro station, or the egg mcmuffin I order 15 minutes before the tourist from West Virginia decided to ask the barely English speaking cashier what landmarks he should take a look at, cause “He ain’t from around here”. No one in this area will give you anything, you have to take it from them and if that means carrying a 3 foot long section of garden hose with you at all times to facilitate your divine right to exit the parking garage 12 seconds before the guy in front of you – then so be it.
I want my Caramel Macchiato and I will blind you with this whip to get it...
Don’t be afraid to be a dick. Most of the people in this area grew up rich anyways and by default that means that they are likely less tough than you. So elbow that guy in the bathroom line, steal the last parking space, and judge the shit out of someone’s outfit that clearly shops at the discount rack of a target located in a the “bad” part of town. Cause if you don’t they will. Now get out there and ruin someones day, cause if it wasn’t for you… they might forget how much their life sucks.
Bring the TRUTH 